


Quitting You

by Laika_the_husband (Laika_the_wife)



Series: Because of You I'm Nothing, I'm Nowhere [2]
Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Adultery, Alternate Universe, Anal Sex, Angst, Bad Decisions, Bipolar Disorder, Cheating, Depression, Despair, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Heartbreak, Hopeful Ending, I Hope To Make Up For It In The End, Immigration & Emigration, Insecure Isak, Insomnia, M/M, Mania, Manic Episode, On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Oral Sex, POV Isak Valtersen, Prostitution, Reunions, Sad, Sequel, Sex, Shitty Isak, Smut, Social Media, Stay-At-Home Parent Isak Valtersen, Strong Female Characters, This Will Hurt I Swear
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2019-06-27
Packaged: 2019-07-14 01:34:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 21,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16030268
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laika_the_wife/pseuds/Laika_the_husband
Summary: Remember A Force of Nature, the heartbreak and angst with an unhappy ending and an alternate kinda-happy ending?Neither of those was the End.This a sequel, and you will need to read AFON first to enjoy this properly.Pretty sure this will be endgame Evak.Check the notes for more, thank you!





	1. The Model

**Author's Note:**

> In this story Isak Valtersen is a cheating bastard. He will hurt his wife, his lover and himself in the process.
> 
> The alternate ending in AFON where Even rushed to the airport did not officially happen. In this story Even didn't show up, Isak got on the plane and took off.
> 
> This takes place about two years later. Buckle up. Enjoy.
> 
> The chapters will be whatever length, I am trying to get back to writing again and I must make it as easy for myself as possible. This is also the reason for me to be starting YET ANOTHER WIP GODDAMMIT. Zero chill, people, zero.
> 
> Please, please, pleaaaaase let me know what you think! Or just tell me you read it. I live for comments, my precious little treats.

Isak’s hands were shaking so bad he could barely hold his phone, let alone use it. He had considered, briefly, taking one of his sleeping pills, or half of one, just to calm himself down, but that was absolutely out of the question. He was home alone with Emma. He would not put his daughter at risk just because he was running out of cope. Isak glanced at the baby monitor on the bathroom countertop. It was on. He heard nothing. Emma was sound asleep, as she was supposed to be on naptime.

Isak had the whole apartment to himself.

It was big, but still, it was an apartment, not a house. Isak couldn’t help but feel like it was a downgrade from what they had back home in Norway. A wry, joyless smile passed by his lips when he thought about the other things he had, back home. In Norway. He remembered their house warming party, when he had sat on the bathroom floor. Just like he was sitting now, his back against the door, his phone in his hand.

Installing Grindr.

Isak had no idea what he was looking for. Well, no, that was a lie. He was looking for Even. He knew he would not find him, not here, not anywhere. Isak had tried, he had called Even four times during these two years, and Even had not answered. Last Christmas Isak had sent Even a postcard with his current address. Nothing else, just a general Christmas card and his address. He hadn’t even signed it. Even never wrote back.

Isak had deleted his Grindr account. He could not read Even’s messages, or his own, anymore. It had been a good idea at the time, the only possible solution, but now, after all this time passed, Isak really wished he hadn’t done it. What he wouldn’t give to read them again. Even’s words for him. Echoes from the past. Isak’s thumb hovered over the icon. There was still a chance to turn back. He could let go.

He could not. For a week now, this had been all Isak had been able to think about. Ever since the night that Lydia’s company’s club for the housewives - Isak had been an avid member for over a year now, he enjoyed hanging out with the kids and wives and the book clubs and wine tastings and such - had taken an art class together.

Isak should have known from the way Nasima was smirking when they got out of her car. That lady was trouble. She lived on the same block as their family, and Isak carpooled with her often. Nasima had been really excited and amused for some reason, and as they entered the classroom Isak understood why.

He was beautiful. Like a sculpture. A statue. Muscular, but not too much so, with a towel wrapped around his waist. While Isak was staring at him Nasima had grabbed two glasses of Chardonnay and shoved one in Isak’s hand. The other ladies were already present, behind their easels, glasses in their hands. There was a lot of giggling in the air. Isak could barely hear it over the thumping of his heart.

Isak let Nasima drag him to an easel. He was actually grateful for the help. His own feet had kind of grown into the floor. His gaze was stuck as well. He could not turn it away from the man in the middle of the room. From his naked chest, his muscular arms and legs. He had a beautiful face as well. Isak avoided looking at that. He was terrified of looking that man in the eye and letting him see Isak’s thoughts.

When the man dropped his towel Isak stopped thinking altogether. It had been over two years since he had last seen another man naked in the same room with him. In the flesh. Isak had gulped his wine down all at once and could only hope he wouldn’t break his pencil by squeezing it too hard in his hand.

He was sure someone noticed something. But nobody said anything, not even Nasima, and if Nasima noticed anything she would let everyone know about it. She had a good heart, but she could not keep her thoughts to herself to save her life. Nobody had noticed Isak’s longing awakening again, except Isak himself, and it was all he could see, hear or taste anymore.

Isak closed his eyes. He leaned his head back against the bathroom’s door. He could see it in his eyes, the body of the model, the shape of his muscles and the smoothness of his skin. And somewhere along his daydream the body changed shape. It became skinnier. Longer. Taller. Paler. The lips got fuller. His eyes were so, so fucking blue.

“Fuck”, Isak muttered under his breath. His voice was shaking. He covered his mouth with his hand and opened his eyes. The light of the baby monitor shone steadily, it listened to his beautiful daughter sleeping. Isak had everything he had ever wanted.

It felt like nothing.

He had to do this. Just once. He would just look. He would look at the guys nearby and maybe talk to someone for a bit. Jerk off while chatting with him and forget about it all. Get back to his life with Lydia, his personal superwoman, and their precious little girl. Isak hadn’t had to work a day since they moved here, Lydia’s salary supported them all. He was happy to be a stay at home dad. Most of the time.

“Fuck”, he muttered again. He looked at his phone. He had, at some point, opened the app. Now all he had to do was register. He had no recollection of doing it, but he must have, since the screen filled up with the hundred guys in the vicinity. Isak started scrolling. He would choose a guy who looked normal and nice. He could have some nice, discreet fun with him once and then get on with his life. Simple. Clean.

Isak stopped scrolling. He stared at his phone and heard everything simple and clean run out through the door. The debris rained down on Isak who could not breathe. It was just a torso. A pair of collar bones, two nipples, a smooth chest and a belly button. Isak knew exactly how it tasted like to lick a droplet of sweat traveling down that skin. He knew how it sounded like when those nipples were nibbled at. He would recognise that body anywhere. He had said goodbye to it thoroughly and he remembered every bit.

It was impossible, but that body belonged to Even.

 

Lydia came home late, as usual these days. She was launching some big project, and the final touches took a lot of time, effort and care. All of which a marriage took also, if you wanted it to work. Isak had been more than happy to let Lydia be the career missile she was by nature when he had been seeing Even, and his guilt had kept him from complaining thereafter. But there were times when Isak felt like he was putting out all the effort. There were days when he felt like he was a single parent.

Like today. Emma had been asleep when Lydia had left, and now that she came home this late..Lydia hadn’t seen her daughter awake all day. Isak knew his wife felt bad about it already, so he swallowed his snarky remarks.

“Hey babe”, Isak said after giving Lydia a quick kiss. “How was work?”

Lydia sighed. Long and thoroughly. From the bottom of her heart. Then she flashed a smile. It was weary but happy. Lydia loved her job so much.

“Hell, like it has been for two weeks now. I got to actually yell at not one but two people today.”

Isak laughed softly. Oh, oh dear. Poor people.

“I hope you went gentle on them.”

“I’m sorry, have we met?”

Isak kissed Lydia again. He huddled over the small ember of happiness he had, the one he had kindled with Lydia and that was still burning. He did love Lydia, very much. He loved Emma with everything he had. He did not want to risk losing either of them ever again.

“I think we have.” Isak wanted, desperately, to keep the joke going. He wanted to tell Lydia he has some vague memories of some company party years ago, where Lydia had caught his eye by dancing on the tables, and they had spent a moment of true passion in the copy room. But Lydia would not have found that funny. She would have rolled her eyes and asked Isak to stop being silly, and he really didn’t think he could handle that kind of rejection right now. So he didn’t say anything.

“Are you hungry?”

“Famished. Do we still have those nasty frozen pizzas to microwave?”

Isak nodded. They did. He still couldn’t cook, but Nasima had been trying to persuade him to come learn from her. Maybe one night Isak would have cooked a proper feast for his wife, but tonight was not that night. Isak shoved aside the thought that if that night ever came, it would most likely be a night when a feast was slowly getting cold while Lydia was stuck in a meeting. There was no reason to be upset over things that had never happened.

“Go put your feet up. I’ll pop one in and bring it to you.”

Lydia smiled, so grateful, so warm. Isak basked in that glow. He liked to think of himself as a strong independent homemaker, but he had missed his wife.

“Thank you, Isak. You’re the best. I’ll go check on Emma first.”

Lydia went to Emma’s room. Isak got to the freezer and unwrapped a pizza slice. He put it on a plate and stuck it in the microwave. Maybe, he thought absentmindedly while waiting for the ping, maybe Lydia would give him a hand job tonight. She was definitely too tired to have sex properly, but Isak would have liked a little something.

The pizza was ready. Isak carried it to the living room, with a can of cold soda. He waited, but Lydia didn’t come. After a couple of minutes more Isak got up and walked very quietly to Emma’s bedroom. He cracked the door open carefully.

Lydia had curled up in Emma’s small bed. She was cradling their daughter, both of them asleep. Isak stood by the door, watching them, and his heart swelled so much it almost burst out of his chest. His girls. His beautiful, powerful, wonderful girls. Isak closed the door without making a sound and snuck into the living room. He ate the pizza and drank the soda, and when Lydia came out of Emma’s room a couple of hours later she found her husband asleep on the couch, his phone in his hand.


	2. The Breakfast

When Isak heard his phone alarm at exactly 6:30 the next morning he reached out his hand to get it from the nightstand. He met thin air. He kept waving his hand around for a moment, still nothing. The phone was there, because the song was still playing, but where the hell was his bedside table?

Now that he thought of it, where was his bed? Isak really didn’t want to open his eyes, but the music was still on and soon Emma would wake up because of it, and there goes Isak’s me-time in the morning. He was so, so not a morning person. He had to force himself to it, but he finally opened his eyes. He frowned when he saw the living room lamp above him.

For a quick, panicked moment he thought he had spent the night outside his home.

The moment passed. Isak located himself - home, living room, couch - and his phone - flat on his chest - and turned the alarm off. His heart was racing, as well as his mind. He had a blanket draped over him. Because he was alone, he knew it wasn’t Emma, so it must have been Lydia.

Had his wife seen Grindr open on his phone?

No. She couldn’t have. His screen turned off after thirty seconds of inactivity, and if Lydia hadn’t actually taken his phone in her hand and unlocked it, just to invade Isak’s privacy, she couldn’t have seen anything. The question was, though, had she done just that?

Isak took the phone with him in the bathroom and tilted it back and forth, trying to decipher from the smudges on the screen if someone had used his passcode. It was of no use, there was no telling who had tapped it in. He did wipe his screen clean now, though.

He took a deep breath and unlocked the screen. He saw his home screen. Apparently he had closed the app just before falling asleep, without any recollection of doing so. To be honest, his memories from even opening and browsing it were kind of hazy. Could he have been so foolish, with Lydia home? Sure, she had been asleep, but she could have woken up any moment.

Isak knew he was being ridiculous. Lydia was not the prying type, he had learned that back in Oslo. No damage done. Nothing bad happened. It was just a perfectly normal morning, and it was just about time for his first cup of coffee and a round of social media while drinking it. In half an hour he would have prepared Lydia’s breakfast and her alarm would wake her up. Isak could bring Emma in the table with them as well and they would have a beautiful, picture perfect morning moment as a happy family.

God, Isak loved having a happy family. Something he never had, growing up. Emma would want for nothing, he would make sure of that. Isak washed his hands and face and dragged himself to the kitchen without bothering to change his clothes from last night. If he was to feed Emma her porridge and yogurt he would stain his shirt anyway.

Isak made his coffee. He drank it, standing up in the kitchen, while preparing french toast. That was something he could actually make, he was capable of whisking an egg and some milk together, soaking a slice of toast in it and frying it. Most of the time he didn’t even burn it. He managed to make four decent slices, took Emma’s food out of the fridge and reloaded the coffee maker. The only thing missing from this picture was his girls.

He decided to start with Emma. He walked to her room’s door and cracked it open.

“Hey, baby girl, are you ready to wake up?”

Emma’s bed was empty. She must have crawled in with her mother. Isak bit the inside of his cheek for a second. Crap. He might have to kiss his breakfast fantasy goodbye. There was still hope, but that flickered madly.

Isak went to the bedroom door just as Lydia’s alarm went off. She snapped it off instantly and Isak’s heart sank a bit. Poor dear. It wasn’t entirely Isak’s fault, but he knew that for the most part, it was. He should have woken Lydia up and gone to bed with her last night. Isak took a deep breath, gathered his courage and popped his head in.

“Is Emma awake?” he whispered. Lydia pushed past him.

“For the first time in six hours, nope.”

Shit. Shit, shit, shit. Isak felt so bad for his wife. He closed the door carefully and snuck back into the kitchen. He poured Lydia’s coffee ready for her while she was in the bathroom. He put Emma’s breakfast back in the fridge.

Lydia slumped down on the chair by the dining table. Isak put a plate in front of her.

“I made french toast.”

“And the father of the year award goes to Isak Valtersen. Give a great big hand, everybody!”

Oh no she did not. Isak knew, he knew perfectly well that Lydia was snappy and snarky when she was tired, and he knew that Lydia also thought last night was on Isak, but she had no right to make Isak feel like he should go outside and find a rock to crawl under.

“That’s uncalled for.”

Isak did his best to keep his voice level and his expression neutral. He knew his wife. This wasn’t on her, this was lack of sleep talking. It became very familiar to him in the first year after Emma was born and they both slept an hour a night on average for months and months.

Lydia sighed and rubbed her eyes. She looked at the black on her fingers after that.

“Shit! I didn’t remove my makeup. How does it look?”

She lifted her face and Isak leaned in to examine it. He wiped a bit of mascara off from under her eye.

“That’ll do, I think? No colouring outside the lines anymore.”

Lydia grabbed his hand and kissed it.

“I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay”, Isak lied. He put Lydia’s coffee on the table next to her plate. “Eat up. I’ll take care of Emma.”

“For the love of God please don’t let her sleep all day. I can’t have another night like this one.”

Isak hummed and went to refill his own coffee. He sat down opposite to Lydia with his plate and dug in. It was decent. He was getting the hang of this dish. Lydia probably barely tasted hers, she just wolfed it down and most likely scalded her tongue with her coffee.

These moments were rare, but Isak really hated them. The moments when he felt like a neglected, underappreciated housewife. But he had known who he was marrying, from the beginning, and Lydia’s drive and passion still made his heart flutter. She was a powerhouse, and Isak needed someone like her so bad.

His phone beeped. It was a particular sound, one that made Isak’s heart skip a beat. He had gotten a private message. Like, really, really, really private.

“What was that?” Lydia asked, reading the news headlines from her phone while she ate.

“Just a message. Probably from Joan, she’s been trying to put together something she calls a ‘luncheon’. I’m pretty sure that’s something they have on one of the rings of Hell.”

“You’re so sexy when you near quote Dante.”

Isak laughed, just a little, just once. Blushed just a bit.

“Speaking of sexy --”

Lydia interrupted him by nudging at his leg with her foot, under the table. He went semi immediately.

“If you get Emma to sleep tonight I promise I’ll keep awake long enough to blow you. How does that sound?”

“Like a plan, babe.”

By the time Lydia left they had practically made up their near argument. Sure, they hadn’t actually used words to talk about the situation at hand, but they had circled each other and tiptoed around the topic and that was enough. All was good again. At least good enough for Isak to calm down and flash Lydia a genuine, real smile when they parted from their little kiss goodbye.

“See you tonight. Love you.”

“Love you too.”

As soon as Isak had closed the door his whole universe shrunk. The only thing that was left in it was his phone, and the steadily blinking led light.


	3. The Address

Isak stared at the two messages on his screen. He had no recollection of writing the first one. He had probably sent it, closed the app and dozed off immediately after. He had forgotten to uninstall it. He read his message and the response over and over again. His mouth felt dry. His hands wanted to start shaking.

Ennis2121   
I need to see you.

2sexxxy4fred  
ok sure

Two words. Or one word and one expression, and both of them reckless, if they were directed at someone unknown. Isak had used the same picture he had used when he had been Osloguy3485. His username was something Even would definitely recognise. It was impossible, but he had found Even. And more impossible but still true, Even was going to let Isak meet him. After two years. After all the bullshit.

Okay, so Even’s reply didn’t seem too enthusiastic. But it was something. It was an agreement. Isak covered his mouth with his hand. He pressed down hard, trying to rub off the memory of Even’s kisses on his lips. He opened Even’s profile picture and looked at it long and hard. All that skin. All that warmth and smoothness, all the tiny barely audible sighs he could pull out of Even just by touching that skin.

He didn’t really have a choice, did he?

Ennis2121  
Tomorrow, noon, your place.  
Please.

Isak stood there, in the kitchen, leaning his ass on the countertop edge, for so long that his legs started to lose feeling. He stared at the screen. He waited. He could do nothing else but wait, his whole being was focused on this one thing. This black rectangle he was holding in his hand. Please, Even. Please.

Please.

Something grabbed Isak’s leg. He almost dropped the phone but caught it the last second.

“Hey! Watch it!”

Shit! No! Isak bit his tongue immediately after raising his voice like that but it was too late. The toddler hugging his leg looked up at him, her face twisting, and as Isak bowed down to pick Emma up on his arms she started wailing.

“Oh sweetie. Daddy’s not mad at you, don’t cry.”

Emma clinged to him. She grabbed Isak’s neck and held on with all her might. Isak stroked her back and the back of her neck, gently guiding her to keep her face down just enough to not be screaming directly into his ear.

Isak held his daughter and walked around the apartment, stroking her and talking to her in a calm, quiet voice she probably barely heard over her own crying. His feet took him along the same, familiar route they had walked countless times. Emma’s first year had been a real tough one, she just wouldn’t stop crying no matter what they did. Isak had stopped thinking about all the sleepless nights, just walking around and around and around, trying to soothe his child, but his body remembered.

Finally Emma calmed down. She was still clinging to Isak but she had stopped crying. Poor baby, she must have been exhausted after not sleeping all night. Isak stopped walking and just held her, his heart bursting in his chest, humming a lullaby and feeling her gradually relax against him. As Isak looked over her shoulder he saw their image in the hallway mirror. He looked like a mess. Last night’s clothes, his hair all over the place, his eyes a bit puffy.

How could anyone be this happy and long for something this much at the same time?

“I love you, baby girl”, Isak whispered. As much to Emma as to himself.

 

Emma was watching her cartoons and Isak was trying to decide what to order for dinner, when his phone notified him of a message. Shit, he still hadn’t turned them off! He should have done that now, but he didn’t have time. He needed to see the message.

2sexxxy4fred had sent him a map link. Isak opened it. If this was his place, Even lived just twenty minutes away from him. How long had he been there? So close?

2sexxxy4fred  
apartment 6

Isak had just read the message when his phone rang. It was Lydia. Did she know? Could she know? Isak’s heart was racing, his breathing shallow, he was, for some reason, absolutely terrified of his wife’s name on the screen of his phone. He was being irrational. For a fucking change.

“Hello?”

“Hey honey.” Lydia sounded tense. She was not happy about something. “We’re going to have to take a rain check on our date tonight. There’s an error in the calculations and we’ll be here until midnight if we’re lucky.”

Disappointment flushed through Isak. First the fight this morning, and now this. He missed his wife. His spouse, his mate, and he knew being home alone all night with that address in his pocket was going to be slow burning hell. If he didn’t have Emma he would have already ran out the door.

“Oh”, Isak said. He tried his best to make it sound neutral. “At least we can have shrimp noodles for dinner, then.”

“I’m sorry Isak. I really am.”

Isak wanted to hiss. He wanted to remind Lydia that then it would be two fucking days since Emma has seen her mother outside bedtime. In a row. Isak could handle everything else perfectly well on his own, but not their daughter’s questions about her mommy. 

But, because of Lydia doing her job and kicking ass at it, Isak could afford staying home taking care of Emma. They could put her in daycare, but for Isak that was out of the question. He wanted to raise his own daughter. He filled his days with Emma, her activities and her growth.

He was so fucking lucky to be able to do that.

“If you’re not coming home on time tomorrow, we’re coming over.” It wasn’t embraced, but not forbidden, either. Isak could bring their daughter to meet her mother at work for fifteen minutes of playtime. Thirty if they were lucky.

“I’m coming, I promise. I’ll arrange it so I can take my laptop home tomorrow.”

Oh, great. Lydia would meet Emma and bond and play with her, and then disappear from Isak the moment Emma was asleep. But Emma was more important. The most important.

“Sounds good, babe.”

“I really have to go now. Give her a kiss from mommy, okay?”

“I always do.”

There was a short pause. Barely noticeable, if not for its weight.

“I love you.”

“Love you too. See you in the morning.”

Another pause. Isak was not proud of himself. But it did give him just a little satisfaction.

“See you.”

Lydia hung up. Isak stared at his phone. He looked over his shoulder at Emma. She was sitting in front of the television, watching her show. Isak might have to let her watch another episode after this one, just to take her mind off the fact that her mother would not come home tonight. Isak had read a dozen books on the subject, and while the majority seemed to think Emma was too young to remember Lydia’s absence, a couple of them said that she might develop a trauma that would bother her later in life. But all Isak could do was his best, and hope.

Later that night, after getting Emma to finally fall asleep without her mother here, Isak was laying on their bed. He was still fully dressed, in a t-shirt and a pair of sweats. Just in case Emma would wake up and open the bedroom door without Isak noticing her. Isak let his fingers dive under his waistband and closed his eyes.

Even was there. His familiar weight on the bed, stretched out next to Isak. He was naked, they both were, and their kisses tasted like heat. The hair at the back of Even’s neck was slightly damp with his sweat, and his scent filled Isak’s nose and head and heart. The light of the setting sun played on their skin, painting it with long bold strokes, and the small bruises Isak’s mouth had made on Even’s chest just emphasized his beauty.

“Turn over babe”, Even mumbled into Isak’s mouth. Isak wanted to protest, he wanted to see Even, to look at him, suck it all in. But Even pushed him from the shoulder and Isak turned on his side, his back to Even. He felt Even’s wet hot lips on the side of his neck. Even’s teeth nibbling on his ear. His heated, stumbling breath. Isak was so hard. He rubbed his wet tip on the sheets and whimpered.

Even pressed himself against Isak’s back. His flat smooth chest against Isak’s shoulder blades, his long strong arm pulling him closer. Isak felt Even’s hard dick pressing into his ass cheek, his long fingers wrapping around his dick. He bit his cheek so he wouldn’t moan.

“Please, take me”, he whispered. “Take me now.”

Even was inside him. He was so hard, so big, so warm. Isak touched himself in pace with his thrusts, he bucked his hips into his hand and against Even’s hips, oh god he had missed this so much, he needed this so bad.

Isak came into his palm. Even came inside him at the same time, and as he slipped out Isak felt so used and dirty but in the fucking best of all possible ways. He laid there for a moment, catching his breath. Even was gone. But, Isak thought, as he was licking his hand clean, in about fourteen hours his fantasy would become reality. He squirmed out of his clothes and under the sheets, and drifted into sleep with a smile on his lips.


	4. The Scar, part one

The next morning Isak skipped breakfast. He wasn’t hungry, at all, he couldn’t eat a single bite. He did drink three cups of coffee, and he did make Lydia her breakfast, and he did kiss her goodbye at the door as she left. At eleven Nasima finally rang their doorbell, ready to pick up Emma with her. Isak nearly ran to get the door. Emma tagged along and as soon as she saw Nasima she had a fit of shyness. She hugged Isak’s leg from behind and hid her face behind his knee.

“Hi. Come on in, Emma’s almost dressed and ready to go.”

Isak turned to pick Emma up. She pressed her face into his chest.

“Oh, sweetie, don’t be silly. You know Nasima. Don’t you want to go to the water park with your friends after all?”

Nasima smiled and tried to catch Emma’s eye.

“Hey Emma. We’re going to have so much fun today. Lucas is coming, and Daniel, and Poppy too!”

Isak was so happy that this week wasn’t his turn. They took turns, the housewives’ club, taking all the kids out in teams of two or three depending on how many children could take part. This week Nasima and Billie were taking four toddlers with them for full four hours. Bless them.

Nasima stepped inside and looked around. Emma squirmed off Isak’s lap and ran into her room.

“Seriously, I need to rent you for a week or something. This place is spotless! You have a toddler! How?”

Isak grinned and winked at her.

“If I told you I’d have to make you disappear.”

“Can I order one disappearance ahead of time? We’re taking the kids camping this weekend.”

Isak laughed as he was looking for Emma’s bathing suit. He had washed it earlier this week, so it would be ready for today.

“Well, you decided to have four kids, didn’t you?”

“I was young and hormonal, don’t hold that against me.” Nasima stopped to look at the picture on the dresser. It was from last Christmas, a family picture, all three of them smiling happily. “How about you? Are you going to settle for one?”

Isak shrugged. He didn’t like talking about this subject. He didn’t like thinking about it either. He wanted another one, Lydia did not. At least not for the time being.

“It was so hard the last time. All the treatments. And after Emma was born things weren’t exactly easy, either.”

Isak found the bathing suit in the hamper. He must have put it back in there by mistake. He packed it with Emma’s towel and snacks into a little backpack that looked like an owl, and handed the whole thing to Nasima.

“I’m forever grateful for your gallantry, lady Nasima.”

Nasima laughed. She had a wide smile and a warm laughter that made her eyes squint.

“I’m taking this as practice for the weekend ahead.” She crouched down and gave Emma her hand. The girl took it. “Come on, sweetie. Let’s go play in the water and eat ice cream.”

Isak kissed his daughter goodbye and watched in the window at Nasima and Emma getting in the car. As soon as Nasima drove off Isak rushed into the shower.

A couple of minutes before noon Isak was standing by the building. His hands were shaking. All of him was shaking. He pushed his hand in his pocket and grabbed the small porcelain figurine. Stroking her chipped ear helped him get grounded again. He could do this. He would do this. In two minutes he would be in Even’s arms. He would be coming home. Isak had to bite his lip so he wouldn’t start crying, he had plenty of time for that later. After leaving this place, for example.

He walked up the stairs slowly. Each step taking him closer to Even felt like a giant leap. He had been lost. Now he was found. He could feel Even’s skin on his fingertips already, and against his palms, Even’s body against his. The apartment number six had no name on the door. But it had a doorbell, and Isak pressed it, exactly at noon. He heard steps. He heard the lock turn. He couldn’t take it anymore.

Isak jumped him the second he could. He threw his body against the flat strong chest like washing ashore, after being lost at sea for years. He locked his lips against the tall blonde man’s lips in a passionate, desperate kiss. Even didn’t kiss him back, so he tried harder. He caught his bottom lip in his mouth and ran his tongue along it in quick little flicks.

Wait.

_ Wait. _

Isak stopped.

He opened his eyes.

Isak looked at the blonde, tall man in front of him. He was handsome. He was confused. He was a stranger. Oh god.

“Sorry!” It was all Isak could get out of his mouth, which he covered with his hand immediately after. The stranger looked at him, and his confusion was slowly turning into amusement.

“I had brewed us some coffee. But alright.”

It was something about the way the man smiled at Isak. He looked so kind. He looked like he saw Isak and accepted what he saw. He saw Isak as someone who kissed other men. Lydia would never, not ever, see him like that. It was his own choice, it was a necessary one, but still it left a hole inside him. Now that hole was being filled with warmth and light, and that’s why - at least Isak could tell himself later - that’s why, when the man slid his hand behind Isak’s neck, Isak let go of his own mouth and welcomed the kiss from a man he knew nothing about.

Oh god, he wanted this so much. It should have been a problem that this man wasn’t Even. But he was tall, he was blonde, he was strong and he was hard. Isak had four hours to himself. He was lonely and abandoned and aching with longing, and standing here, being kissed by another man, seemed to wipe all that away. He needed this. He could have this. He had earned this.

The kiss went on and on. It rocked Isak in its embrace like the sea, wave after wave. He wasn’t trashing anymore, he was floating. Panting. He was gasping and mewing on those lips as the man’s hands slipped under his shirt, to meet skin that felt untouched for years. He pressed his thigh between the other man’s legs and what he felt there made him freeze.

“Oh god..”

Isak opened his eyes again. He moved his thigh just a bit, feeling around, and stared at the man eyes wide. It was. Oh. It was.

“Oh my god”, Isak gasped again. The man looked at him. His eyes were twinkling.

“I heard you the first time. Would you like to see it?”

Isak couldn’t speak. He nibbled on his lip and nodded, slowly. He would love to see it. Very much so. The man let go of him and stepped back. He leaned his shoulders on the wall, nonchalantly, and crossed his hands behind his neck. It was an invitation, if Isak had ever seen one.

Isak stepped closer to the stranger. It kind of turned him on. Not knowing the guy’s name. Not knowing anything about him. He was just some guy, from Grindr, who had a nice smile and a huge -- oh god. Isak’s mouth was watering when he thought about it. He got slowly down on his knees on the floor. His hands were shaking as he undid the little bow on the strings of the guy’s slacks. He grabbed the waistband and eased the pants down, slowly and carefully, like unwrapping a present.

It was huge. It was bigger than Isak had thought possible for a dick to be. It was too big, way too big, he could not..he didn’t dare take it inside him. He couldn’t walk straight for a week after that, or sit down normally, and Lydia would notice something was off. Fuck.

The guy stepped out of his slacks. His dick brushed at Isak’s cheek. It made him moan, just a bit, a tiny little ah. He felt the guy’s fingers in his hair.

“Do you want to taste it?”

Isak did. He wanted to, so bad, but he was still. Scared. He shook his head. The fingers left his hair, and he could stand up. On his way up Isak pulled the shirt off the guy, he wanted to see that lovely smooth chest that looked exactly like Even’s.

“Oh?”

Isak stared at the scar. It went from the upper part of the man’s chest down to his groin. This man had been split open and sewn back together. Isak ran his fingers along the scar. The guy didn’t seem to mind.

“I almost died on that table. I’m lucky to be alive.”

Isak nodded slowly. He smiled, just a bit.

“I’m glad you are.”

They kissed again. Somewhere in the middle of that kiss Isak was released of his shirt. When he pressed his bare chest against the other man his heart was singing. Home, home, he was coming home. This man wasn’t Even, but he was a man, and right now, in his state of despair, it was enough.

For now.

The man opened Isak’s belt’s buckle. He pulled Isak’s jeans down, as well as his underwear, and Isak was panting again. His tongue was inside the man’s mouth, his breathing jagged and rushed. His mouth was so wet. He was standing by the barely closed door, barely inside the apartment, naked and hard. He was so fucking naughty.

“Please”, Isak gasped in the kiss. His fingers dragged along the fair skin. Please. “Can I fuck you?”

The man pulled back, shaking his head.

“Sorry, honey, no. I never bottom.”

Well, Isak thought, it would kind of be a waste if he did. Kind of.

“I can’t..it’s too much.”

The guy smiled. He looked so friendly, even in the middle of his heat.

“It’s cool. What do you want to do?”

Isak squirmed a bit. What did he want to do?

“This”, he finally managed to say. “But. In a bed?”

“Sure thing, honey. This way.”

There had been defining moments in Isak’s life. Moments that divided everything to before and after. When he had stepped across the threshold into Even’s apartment. When he had said “I do”. When he had held his daughter for the first time.

He looked at the hand the guy was holding out for him.

He took it.


	5. The Scar, part two

The bedroom was on the small side. It had room for a bed and a night stand and that was about it. Isak didn’t mind. He was interested in the bed, and the guy, and both were present. As he fell flat on his back in sheets that smelled clean and had not a single crumb in them Isak was really, really happy to land on nothing but bed. No toys under his back, or books, or freaking crayons or half eaten sandwiches. He had missed that.

The guy landed half on top of him. His chest against Isak’s, the pressure a lot but not too much, every bit of it delicious. The skin on his skin, the smooth flatness, the strong muscles. The hint of a stubble scraping his face when the guy kissed him again. Isak sighed softly. He was surrendering, he felt it, his mind was giving the reins to his body and his body was super into giving in to this man. Then the guy pressed his hard dick against Isak’s thigh and the sheer hugeness made him jump.

“What?”

Isak blushed. He shook his head.

“It’s okay. Sorry. I was just startled.”

“I’ve never met anyone this afraid of it. Especially since I’m not shoving it anywhere inside you.”

Isak let out a little moan. He couldn’t stop it. Fuck, he wanted that thing inside him so bad. But.

“I’m married”, he blurted. Again. He seemed to be making a habit of it, of telling his Grindr hook-ups about Lydia. This far it had been a strategy that both worked superbly and failed miserably.

The guy stopped moving. He wasn’t writhing on top of Isak anymore. He wasn’t kissing Isak. Isak was kind of happy that he had been attracted to someone who seemed to be decent like that.

“What are you doing here, then? Go to your husband.”

The guy rolled off of Isak. Isak wished the bed would split open and swallow him, so he wouldn’t have to tell the truth. He took a deep, shaky breath.

“Wife.”

_ “What?” _

Isak covered his eyes with his arm. Shit.

“I have a wife. And a little girl.”

“Fuck, you’re an asshole.”

Isak felt the guy get out of the bed. His clothes landed on him. The zipper scraped his thigh a bit.

“Get dressed.”

“I’m sorry”, Isak said, defeated. “I’ll leave you alone immediately.”

“What? You’re not going anywhere, mister.”

Isak opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling. He blinked a couple of times, confused.

“Excuse me?”

“Just get dressed and come drink your coffee. Thank you.”

Isak heard the guy put his clothes on and walk into the kitchen. He didn’t know what to do. He should probably just leave. He got up, he got dressed and kind of slinked to the door.

“Stop right there.”

The guy wasn’t yelling. He wasn’t angry or threatening. He was stern. His voice made it clear that he was not into negotiating over this. Isak had the same voice himself, when he wanted to make sure Emma obeyed him for her own good.

“What”, he said, trying to hide his nervousness. “Are you going to dismember me or something?”

“Funny how little you were worried about that when it looked like we’re going to hook up.”

Isak blushed. He felt sick to his stomach, thinking about how reckless he had been. He should have left when he saw it wasn’t Even. Instead he jumped a stranger and entered his apartment that  _ absolutely nobody knew he was visiting _ and oh god, he could be dead right now. Lydia could be a widow. Isak covered his mouth. He jumped when he heard the guy’s voice from the kitchen door.

“Come on. The coffee is still nice and hot. We’ll have a little chat, I’ll give you a stern talking to and you can return home to your family.”

Isak stared at his toes. A stern talking to. He seemed to be in dire need of that.

“I don’t even know your name”, he said quietly. He saw the guy shrug from the corner of his eye.

“Do you care?”

Isak thought about it for a moment. Then he nodded and looked up at the guy’s face. He had a nice face. Kind.

“Yes. Please.”

“Will you tell me yours?”

Isak shook his head. He couldn’t.

The guy rolled his eyes.

“Fuck, you are an asshole.” He offered his hand for Isak to shake. “Hi, Asshole. I’m Magnus.”

Isak took the hand and shook it. It almost scalded his palm.

“Nice to meet you Magnus. You can call me Ennis.”

“The pleasure is mostly yours. Now sit down and drink your coffee.”

Isak followed Magnus into the kitchen. He sat down by the small table and wrapped his fingers around his mug. It was nice and warm. He stared into its black deep eye and listened while Magnus told him off. He really, really told him off for being unfaithful and cheating and endangering not just himself but his family too. He took it all, and he hoped he looked like he was listening, because he really wasn’t.

He was thinking about the picture Magnus had used.

The chest without a scar. The body that belonged to Even. All through Magnus’ sermon Isak was just waiting for him to finish so he could ask. Eventually Magnus shut up. Finally.

“Where did you get that picture?”

Magnus stared at him in disbelief.

“Excuse me?”

“On your profile. That picture. It’s not cool to just pull some random picture out of the internet you know.”

“I’ll have you know I took that picture personally.”

Isak stared at Magnus, eyes wide. Personally. He had seen Even naked or at least topless - who was he kidding, probably naked - and taken his picture.

“You can’t just post nudes of other people like that.”

“Fuck you! Just because you’re an asshole it doesn’t mean everyone else is too. He knew what I was taking it for.”

Isak’s palms were hot and itchy. He was. Was he really? Oh, god, please. Please.

“Is it because of your scar?” Keep him talking. Keep him talking and he might tell you what you need to know more than you need breathing.

Magnus nodded. A bit shyly.

“I have never had anyone turn me down at the point when they see it. But if I showed it before getting them even talking to me? Not good.”

Isak forced himself to stay calm. As calm as possible, at least on the outside.

“Sounds like you have a good friend, then. If he does that for you.”

“Yeah. He’s a decent guy. I just wished he’d stop thinking that he owes me something.”

Isak bit the inside of his cheek. Keep it cool. Keep. It. Cool.

“Why would he think that?”

Magnus shook his head. Fuck.

“Doesn’t matter. He doesn’t.”

Isak knew. He knew, he knew with all his heart and his body, but he had learned some kind of a lesson today.

“What’s his name?”

Magnus looked at him. Carefully. Fucking fuck. Magnus frowned.

“You seem oddly interested in him. Is that why you kissed me before you saw my face?”

Isak didn’t know what to say. He was revealed. Busted. Caught red-handed. He pushed his hand in his pocket and took Miss Kitty in his hand. He placed it carefully on the table in front of Magnus.

“Could you give this to him? If he knows her name I really, really need to talk to him.”

Magnus looked puzzled.

“And if he doesn’t know?”

“Then I’d like her back. Please.”

Isak looked Magnus in the eye. He let Magnus see all his pain and fear and desperate hope. Magnus seemed like someone who might be moved by something like that.

He waited.

Forever.

“Are you going to cheat on your wife with him?”

Isak’s eyes filled with tears. He was so scared and so ashamed he couldn’t handle it anymore.

“Yes.” His voice cracked. “If he lets me.”

Magnus took Miss Kitty on his palm. He was just about to hand it over back to Isak, but then curled his fingers over her.

“Leave before I change my mind.”

Isak practically ran out the door. By the time he got out to the street he could barely see anything through his tears.


	6. The Park

During his years without Even in his life Isak had grown accustomed to thinking of himself as a somewhat decent guy. He worked hard, first to provide and then to keep the house and his child in shape. He listened to his wife and supported her in reaching her goals. He raised his daughter the best he could, drowning her in love and giving her boundaries to keep her safe and civil. He was a decent guy and a good father. He had that going for him.

That was kind of hard to remember when he was sitting in a park, about twenty minutes from home, watching his daughter play with kids she hadn’t met before. Emma was thankfully pretty good with people, and made friends easily. She seemed to be having fun, at least. Isak glanced across the street again, impatiently, but he didn’t see him. He didn’t see Even.

It had been two weeks already, and any sane person would have assumed that Magnus had shown Miss Kitty to the person whose picture he was using, and that person hadn’t recognized her, because he wasn’t Even, end of story. Even was still in Oslo, in his shitty dirty apartment, taking care of himself and Mister Planty as well as he could. That thought made Isak’s chest ache. Why, why the fuck was he upset over a fucking potted plant, that may or may not have been alive anymore?

Isak was not a sane person. He didn’t need his sanity or his brains for this, he knew it in his heart. It was Even. Somehow, some way, Even had found his way back into Isak’s life, and Isak was going to let him in. If he only managed to see him. Just once. One glimpse of his hair or eyes and Isak would open himself up completely for him, completely and for good.

He would.

Emma’s delighted shrieking woke Isak up and made him turn to see his daughter. She had dug out a huge earthworm and was just about to put it in her mouth like a piece of spaghetti when Isak rushed to her and stopped her.

The negotiation was brief and ended with Isak as the winning party. He confiscated the poor creature and released it with Emma to a nearby flower bench. They watched it crawl away together, hand in hand. Or, Emma watched. Isak was looking across the street at a door of a staircase. Even was bound to visit his friend sometime, and when he did, Isak would be here waiting, because it was written in the stars.

He noticed something odd at the corner of his eye. He looked up. He saw a piece of paper pressed on a window, a blonde man standing next to it.

CHECK YOUR MSGS ASSHOLE

Isak froze. He turned his back but he knew it was too late. He had been seen. But when? Just now? Or had Magnus somehow noticed Isak had been hanging out in this park for a week? He couldn’t risk it that Magnus flipped and rushed outside, where Emma could see her.

“Emma, sweetie? It’s time to go home and make some waffles.” One more item on the short list of things Isak Valtersen could cook. Toaster waffles. He heated them on a pan with a dollop of butter when Lydia wasn’t watching. Emma resisted a bit at first but Isak managed to get her in her stroller. He powerwalked them out of the park and into the crowd on the street. He didn’t look back.

Isak slipped his phone in a transparent zip lock bag and went to check the tub. The water was nice and warm, the tub had filled up and the bubble foam had formed high white clouds. Isak placed the pink rubber octopus floating in the water and walked to get Emma. He had changed his clothes too, wearing just his slacks now. Emma’s bath time had gotten rather splashy lately.

Emma was, luckily, delighted to see all the bubbles and Ursula swimming in the middle of them. She let Isak undress her and lift her in the tub. Isak took a small lime green plastic stool and sat down on it next to the tub. He kept his one hand in with the girl, making sure she didn’t fall over or anything, and used his free hand to play with his phone. He put the Little Mermaid’s soundtrack playing the very first thing.

The very second thing he installed Grindr. He checked his messages. Magnus had been sending them for three days. Isak hadn’t checked them because he hadn’t had a reason to, Even was not one of the 100 guys nearby the algorithm had picked out for him. Fucking piece of shit app, what did it know? Nothing.

2sexxxy4fredd  
please tell me that’s not you  
oh fuck it is you  
what the fuck dude?  
IS THAT YOUR DAUGHTER  
DID YOU BRING YOUR DAUGHTER OUT TO STALK WITH YOU  
I WILL FUCKING CALL THE COPS ON YOU

A couple of droplets and a soapy sud splashed on the bag. Isak wiped it clean on his thigh. He cupped his tub hand and poured some water on Emma’s hair, careful not to get any in her eyes. He knew how to do this in his sleep.

He should answer Magnus something. He had nothing to tell him. No explanation, no matter how many times he tried to form a reply in his head it always sounded like he _was_ stalking with his daughter. But that wasn’t the case. First of all, he wasn’t stalking, he was giving fate a chance.

Ennis2121  
I’m sorry. I just need to see him.

2sexxxy4fredd  
I should tell you he’s not interested  
but one of us has to not be a lying asshole

Isak’s heart skipped a beat. Was Even interested? Why hadn’t he messaged him then? Or contacted in any other way? Was he scared, as scared as Isak himself was?

Ennis2121  
Please. I’ll do anything. Please.

2sexxxy4fredd  
well the FIRST THING is to STOP STALKING OUTSIDE MY HOUSE  
especially with your daughter  
I should call the child services on your ass

Ennis2121  
Because I took my daughter to a park to play with other kids?

2sexxxy4fredd  
one more smartass line and I’ll fucking block you

Ennis2121  
No! I’m sorry!  
I need your help. Please.

2sexxxy4fredd  
I agree  
which is the only reason I haven’t blocked you yet  
you need to tell your wife you like dick

Ennis2121  
I need to see him. I just want to talk with him.

2sexxxy4fredd  
look, I haven’t heard from him in a couple of weeks  
he does that sometimes  
I promise to tell you if I hear from him k

Ennis2121  
Please. If you hear anything at all. He’s not well, I’m worried sick.

2sexxxy4fredd  
some kinda sick at least  
two conditions:  
1) never bring her to my house again  
2) have your wife call me and tell me you like dick  
here’s my number

Isak stared at the screen. He couldn’t. He just couldn’t. Sebastian the crab was singing his heart out from his phone and he knew, he knew Lydia would kick him out and he would have nothing. His visa relied on her. He would be sent packing back to Norway, and he would see either his daughter or his wife or Even ever again.

Ennis2121  
You don’t know what’s at stake.

2sexxxy4fredd  
I’ll be waiting for that call

Magnus blocked him. Isak tried to message him anyway, but it didn’t work. He could text him but this was a hint even Isak Valtersen understood. Magnus wanted Lydia to call him. This was an ultimatum, and there was no way around it. Isak closed the app and put his phone on the toilet seat cover.

_Such wonderful things surround you! What more is you lookin’ for?_

 

Nasima stared at Isak over her latte glass,  in disbelief.

“Excuse me?”

“I know it sounds weird but. I need you, girlfriend.”

Nasima shook her head.

“Please don’t ever call me that again. It sounds like you’re cheating on your wife with me.”

Isak blushed. Nasima was right. He had forgotten that he was supposed to be someone who would cheat on his wife with a _woman_ if he were to cheat at all.

“Sorry. You’re right. It’s just. This is so important to me and I’m just all over the place all the time. I burnt Emma’s toast this morning.”

“Really?” Nasima raised her perfectly plucked brow. “Isak Valtersen, the domestic god, burnt toast?”

“I told you. I’m a mess. And I really need your help.”

Isak had known teaming up with and covering for Nasima in a feud over a certain company picnic would pay off in the long run. They were partners in crime, and from someone like that you can ask for more than just a friendly favour.

Like asking her to try taking her kids to a new park for a change, and while being there keeping an eye on a certain looking man entering a certain building, and reporting back to you at the first sighting.

“Who is he?”

Isak shook his head.

“I can’t. I’m sorry. There are things you don’t want to know about me because you want to keep being friends with me.”

“So. A bit taller than you, blonde, pouty lips, about your age? That’s not much to go by, you know.”

Isak nodded.

“That’s why I’d like you to snap a picture of him if you can. And send it to me.”

Nasima was appalled at the idea of playing paparazzi on someone. But she was intrigued by the mystery, Isak knew she would be. He knew her pretty well. He waited for her to make up her mind.

“Is there a reason for him to not want to meet you? Any reason at all?”

That was a hard one to answer. Isak had no idea. Or, well, he had. He knew perfectly well that Even was much better off without ever seeing him again, but at the same time Even was also much worse off too. This was a yes and no kind of question. Isak tried to find the answer from his coffee but there were only some black vanilla seeds floating around.

“No”, he finally said. He looked up at Nasima’s dark eyes. He was so scared she would see through him. But he had no other choice. A private detective was way too expensive, he had looked up a couple of them and he had no way of hiding having used that much money.

Nasima sighed.

“Fine. But I’m not hanging out there every day, or even every other day. I have things to do.”

“Any bit helps.” A beggar couldn’t be a chooser. He had to take what he could get. “I’ll send you the map link tonight.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PSA: I'm going on hiatus for November, to do NaNoWriMo and write my Big Bang fic. My wips will probably not update at all during that time, I have 50k to pull off in 30 days. But I will return in December, I promise!


	7. The Message

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this took me way too long.
> 
> Here, have some smut.
> 
> Then give me treats!

Days passed. Isak spent his days in a trance, just going through his routines. Breakfast. Getting Emma ready for the day. Their visits to park, or to get groceries, or a playdate with friends. Lunch. Chores. Dinner. Listening to Lydia tell about her day. Preparing the next morning’s breakfast and Emma’s clothes and things. Falling asleep next to his wife.

At times he was desperate enough to consider it. To ask Lydia to call Magnus and tell him that Isak liked dick. But that would have destroyed everything. He wouldn’t have seen his daughter ever again. Magnus was unreasonable, he didn’t understand what Isak had to lose. Isak laid in bed, listening to his wife’s breathing getting slower and deeper as sleep took her over, and longed for the peace he had felt before that cursed drawing lesson.

He looked at his wife’s naked body and tried to find satisfaction. Her soft skin, the curve of her hips, the mounds of her breasts. She was a beautiful woman. Isak did love her, he did, and he enjoyed their brief moments of lust together, but they were few and far between. Isak slipped his hand under the covers and touched Lydia’s thigh tentatively. He gave it a soft stroke, reaching over to the inner thigh. Lydia shifted.

“Sleeeeeep.”

Isak didn’t give up so easily. He touched her again, higher up, closer to her hip. He pressed his lips lightly against the nape of Lydia’s neck.

“Honey, no. I have a presentation tomorrow, I need to sleep.”

Isak sighed, but pulled his hand back. A no is a no.

“I miss you”, Isak said, quietly.

Lydia pushed her hips back against Isak, yawning.

“Skip the foreplay, okay?”

Isak turned over to reach for the lube. By the time he turned back, Lydia was fast asleep again.

Isak woke up the next morning with the lube still in his hand. He shoved it hurriedly in the drawer, ashamed of having even asked. He checked Emma’s room on his way to the bathroom. She was still asleep, her both legs propped up against the wall and her pillow under her butt. Seeing her made Isak’s bruised heart swell with love that soothed the pain almost away.

Isak sat on the toilet, yawning. He had a few minutes for himself, before his girls woke up. He would just take a quick little peek. No harm done there.

2wayslut  
Her name is Miss Kitty.

Isak stared at the message. He stared at the name above it. He covered his mouth and put his phone on the floor so he wouldn’t drop it because his hand was shaking so much. He had only a couple of minutes. He had to pull himself together, and he had to do it now.

“Bless you, Magnus”, Isak mumbled into his palm. He reached down and texted Nasima the first thing, thanking her for the park duty and telling her it was over now. He didn’t reply to Even’s message. He couldn’t, not yet, not when Lydia was still home. He knew he’d drop everything and go running the second he knew where to find Even.

When Therese called him to ask if they could switch their turns to take all the kids out Isak did a little dance. It would have been his turn tomorrow, but Therese needed next week off and asked if she could take this week. Isak was more than happy to agree. This was it, he thought, with applesauce on the screen and in his hair. This was fate. Isak licked the screen clean and wiped it on his shirt, then he got back to Emma’s snack time. He had to take care of his daughter. He wanted to, and he had to, because she was too little to be on her own.

That was how he made it to the next day. He took care of his daughter. Just like during the first months of her life, Isak drowned himself into her so that he had no space in his head for Even. He buried himself in housework, he was the domestic god and took pride in it.

Then Therese picked Emma up the next day and Isak couldn’t get his phone out fast enough.

Ennis2121  
I have to see you  
It’s me  
Isak

2wayslut  
Coffee?

Isak laughed at that suggestion. He was so, so past coffee dates. Besides, someone might see them.

Ennis2121  
Come here  
Please

It took forever for Even to reply. But he did, and he asked for the address, and Isak told him he would pay for the cab. He rushed into the shower after Even told him the cab was there. Fifteen minutes later Isak opened the door.

It was him.

It was really him.

Even looked exactly like he had looked the last time Isak had seen him. Isak himself had manned up a bit, maybe gained some daddy weight too, but Even -- he hadn’t changed one bit. Isak had a million things he wanted to ask him, a million things he wanted to tell.

Even’s back thudded lightly against the door as Isak jumped to kiss him.

“I love you”, Isak gasped into Even’s mouth. “I love you so fucking much.”

He pushed his hands under Even’s shirt. Even let him, he wrapped his arms around Isak and pulled him closer. Isak felt him shake. Or maybe it was Isak himself. He had finally come home again, his home was right here, on Even’s arms. Against Even’s flat, slightly bony chest, against his tallness, his frame, his manhood. Isak wanted to stay here forever.

They entered the apartment, still kissing. Isak’s feet knew their way past the shoes and toys scattered on the floor, but Even tripped on them. They ended up on the floor, Isak on his back under Even, still refusing to break that kiss. He fished out an armless doll from under his ass and threw it aside.

Even tried to get up. Isak grabbed his shirt and pulled him back down. He couldn’t let Even go, not for one second, not again. Not this soon. Even gave in and laid down tighter on top of him, and as Isak felt his hard-on against his thigh he moaned like a slut.

Time turned backwards. Years disappeared, and they were back in Even’s shitty apartment, on his bed, or his floor. Their touches were full of desperate haste, their mouths hungry, their need overflowing. Isak pulled Even’s shirt over his head and threw it away, he squirmed out of his own shirt, he needed Even’s skin against his own. Even gave it to him. He pressed his chest against Isak’s, he licked Isak’s lips and Isak opened his mouth, welcoming Even’s tongue.

God, he felt so alive.

He was on his back in their hallway, under the man he hadn’t seen in years, cheating on his wife, and he was finally happy again.

He needed more.

Isak shoved his hand between their bodies and fought with Even’s jeans until they surrendered and unbuttoned. His experience with dressing up a toddler sure came in handy here, the fight was short enough. Isak undid his own pants while he was at it, and as he felt Even’s dick touch his, with only two pairs of underwear between them, he moaned again.

Fuck, he needed this man. He had thought he needed just a man, just some dick, but he had been wrong. He needed Even.

“Give it to me”, he whispered hastily. “Give it to me hard.”

Even got up on his knees. Isak was almost frightened, terrified that Even would leave, but he didn’t go far. He reached back to his bag by the door and took out a small packet of lube. And condoms. Isak almost asked him to skip them, he wanted to feel Even, all of him, but he knew better. 2wayslut was not someone a man with a family was free to bareback with.

While Even was retrieving his things Isak pulled his leg out of his jeans and underwear. He didn’t have time to remove them from the other leg too, neither did he need to. They were out of the way, that was enough. His dick was harder than in years, it was tight and taut and throbbing. Even got on his knees between Isak’s legs. He leaned on his elbows and looked at Even’s hands, his wonderful big hands, as they pulled his delicious dick out of his underwear and rolled the condom in its place. Isak spread his legs further.

Even filled him up with just his finger. He pushed it in knuckle by knuckle, making Isak’s legs shake and his world rock. It felt so good, it felt incredible, and it felt too little. It was frustrating, but it was necessary. Isak’s hole had been untouched for so long. He blushed when he realized Even could probably feel it.

It felt like a dream. Like a hot, wet, intense dream. The floor was hard under him, Even was so beautiful, and Isak was so, so turned on. He just laid there and took it all in, Even’s fingers, his beauty, his lust, and he kept taking it until he couldn’t fit any more in him.

“Please! Fuck!”

Even smirked at his desperation. But he seemed pleased. He took the lube and rubbed in on his dick, and watching that made Isak pant. His body was moving in waves. He needed this. He wanted this. He was on his back on the floor while his wife was at work, desperate for dick.

Isak pressed his hand tight against his mouth as Even pushed against him. It made Even stop, to ask, but Isak shook his head. And nodded.

“Take me!”

Even did. He did. He pushed further in, he pushed until Isak’s body accepted his dick inside it. It was so big. It was so hard. It was so wonderful. Isak felt tears run down his cheeks to his neck, he laid down and grabbed the rug with both hands. He was home. He was home.

He really loved dick. He loved this dick in particular, more than anything -- right now, when Emma wasn’t here, when she didn’t exist in Isak’s reality, he loved this more than anything in the world. Isak reached up and pulled Even down against him, closer, skin on skin. The buttons on Even’s jeans dug into the back of his thighs, but he didn’t give a fuck. Every thrust Even made into him made his shoulders rub against the rug and the buttons hit a stamp on his ass, and the pain barely registered. All Isak could feel was Even inside him, filling him up, splitting him in two, and pressing against his sensitive spots over and over again.

Isak had to come. He had to come, he needed to come with Even inside him. He pushed his hand between their bodies again, he searched for and found his own rock hard dick and grabbed it. He rubbed on it fast, in demanding strokes, Even picked up on that and fucked him faster. Harder. He made Isak see stars, and then the stars exploded. They shattered into white light, that then condensed into soft drops that fell down on them like gentle rain.

Even tried to pull out. Isak wrapped his leg around him and pulled him closer. It hurt, almost too much, he was so raw and sensitive, but he needed Even to come inside him. He needed it so bad, and Even gave it to him. He fucked Isak again, hard, in fast, near violent thrusts, and when he stopped in the grip of his orgasm Isak could only laugh because he couldn’t contain his happiness anymore.

Isak’s whole body was tingling. His skin was so sensitive that the slightest touch felt like tickling. He was so fucking alive.

He was in love.


	8. The Wall

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: blurry lines of consent

His eyes were so fucking blue.

Isak could have looked into them forever.

But he reeked of sex, as did the hallway, and he knew time wasn’t on their side.

“I’m so happy to see you like me again.”

Even huffed and hummed. He pushed himself up and held his hand out for Isak. Isak took it and pulled himself up on his feet. His ass was sweetly sore. It was like he could still feel Even inside him.

“I wouldn’t count on it.”

Even’s voice was still the same, as well. So deep. So manly. But it wasn’t as warm as Isak remembered it.

Isak realized just now that this was the first time he heard Even speak since their reunion. He had fucked Isak, but he hadn’t said a word.

Not a single word.

Terror gripped Isak’s heart and squeezed. He looked at Even, pale, eyes wide, his pants still on one leg and his skin on goosebumps. For a second he saw himself from the outside, in Even’s eyes, he saw himself as he truly was.

Fucking pathetic.

Isak’s mouth twisted. He covered it. He looked at Even, his eyes blind from tears, he was begging. For help. For guidance, for absolution. Anything. Please, Even.

Even took Isak’s wrist and pulled his hand away. He yanked at it, forward and down, Isak fell over and Even caught him with his body. With his lips. Even pushed his lips so hard against Isak’s mouth that Isak’s lips got squashed on his teeth. That kiss forced the crying out of him with its mere power and relentlessness. Isak was panting into it in seconds, and as Even’s thigh brushed between his legs Isak felt he was hard again.

He stumbled backward as Even pushed him. He hit the wall, and the photo frame by his head crashed on the floor. How the hell could he explain that? Well. That one was easy, the floor was scattered with Emma’s toys again, Isak could have simply tripped. Those things happened. There was like a thousand explanations for the photo frame breaking before reaching “Isak was kissing a guy he cheated his wife with back in Oslo and who was now miraculously here”.

“Even --” Isak tried to mumble into the kiss, but Even didn’t let him speak. He took advantage of Isak opening his mouth and shoved his tongue in there. Isak received it. He welcomed it. He rubbed his own tongue against it in a heated dance, a trance, a forbidden ritual in the glow of fire and beat of drums. The power of Even hit him over and over again, and he succumbed to it, helpless to do anything else.

Isak noticed Even was still holding his wrist. His grip was tight, hard, like iron. Isak tried to raise his hand to touch Even’s cheek, but it wasn’t allowed. Even forced Isak to keep it down, and he pressed his body harder against Isak, so hard Isak could barely breathe. Especially when Even’s mouth was invading his like this.

“Even --” Isak tried again, but Even wasn’t feeling like talking. He kissed Isak with the power of two years. He pressed his thigh between Isak’s legs. Isak moaned, he moaned so loud he was worried his neighbours might have heard him, but Even’s mouth muffled the sound. He wouldn’t stop kissing Isak.

Isak cracked his eyes open. Even’s eyes were closed. He was half frowning, and squeezing his eyes shut. He didn’t look like a man kissing a long lost loved one. He didn’t look happy. Isak turned his face away from the kiss, but Even grabbed his chin and turned him back, kissing him again.

It was a good kiss. It was a wonderful kiss, it made Isak’s knees weak and he closed his eyes again. It had been over two years. Even had earned this, he had, and Isak didn’t deserve any of this but he was happy to receive it nonetheless. Even’s naked chest pressed against Isak, and Isak drowned into his skin.

The lights went off. Isak’s ass hit the switch. It didn’t matter, they didn’t need light, they knew their way in the dark. Even pushed his hand into Isak’s hair and squeezed. It almost hurt. But just almost. It felt so wild, so raw, so primal. It was hot. This was bigger than them, that’s how this felt like, this was a force of nature and they were helpless in its embrace.

Isak gasped when Even yanked himself out of the kiss. He was gasping for air, oxygen filled his lungs and made him dizzy, he tried to look into Even’s eyes but Even didn’t let him. He grabbed Isak and flipped him over. Isak almost cut his cheek on the nail the frame had been hanging from. But just almost. He didn’t have time to worry about things that hadn’t happened, there was so much going on right now.

There were Even’s hands traveling along his back. There were Even’s lips pressing on the side of his neck or his shoulder. There was Even’s hard dick rubbing against his butt cheek. That was plenty. That was overflowing.

Isak spread his legs a bit.

Even pushed two fingers at once inside him. It made Isak cry out, heated, a bit pained, and he covered his mouth again. The neighbours. Someone could hear them, someone might tell Lydia. He pressed himself flat against the wall and pushed his ass up and back. He was such a slut. He was a fucking slut and a whore and desperate for this. For Even. For anything Even could give him. They had barely started again and Isak was already seeing stars.

He heard plastic crack open. It was lube, he could smell it, and hear it be lathered on Even’s dick. He tried to remember had he heard Even break open a condom, but he hadn’t made up his mind by the time Even pushed himself back inside him again. It was hard. It was slippery. It was hot, it was alive, it was perfect.

Even fucked him against the fucking wall.

Isak felt Even’s hot wet breath against and under his ear. He felt Even’s dick slide in and out of him. His own dick tapped lightly against the wall with every thrust. It had never been like this. Not like this. Isak pushed his hand back and rested it on Even’s thigh. He didn’t know what he was asking with it. Harder? Gentler? More? Less? Was he asking for contact, a connection? Why would he want that, didn’t he have Even’s dick all the way up to the root inside his ass?

Even pushed his hand away and grabbed his hips. He fucked harder. It was almost too hard, and Isak couldn’t handle that thought at all, it couldn’t have been possible that Even was -- like this. It wasn’t possible. So, Isak grabbed his own dick before it got too soft, he stroked at it and fondled it, and he got it rock hard again. He fucked his own fist with the force of Even’s thrusts, and when Even suddenly pulled out with a grunt and left Isak so open he almost wanted to die of shame Isak managed to make himself come. He squirted directly on the wall, staining the wallpaper.

Isak leaned his free hand on the wall and stared at the stains. He had stained their home with his lust. Emma’s home. He could hardly breathe in short, shallow draws. He heard Even move, he heard his clothes shuffle, and he heard the door open and close. He felt something wet run down his inner thigh and kind of hoped it would be blood.


	9. The Minute

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize in advance for how badly this is composed. I just had to get it out so I can move forward in this story.

After a couple of days, around the time Isak could walk and sit normally without any hint of pain left, it all had started to feel like a dream. If Isak didn’t have the messages from Even he would have probably decided it had been a fantasy. The stain on the wall worked as a reminder, too. Isak had gotten Even’s cum off the rug, but his own on the wallpaper had left a small, permanent mark.

The hardest part was rejecting Lydia. Isak was more than happy to make her come in a variety of ways, but he could not, absolutely not, have her come in contact with his dick. Even had fucked him without a condom the second round, and Isak couldn’t risk it. He had to get tested, and until he did, he had to keep his wife’s hands off his body with a variety of excuses.

He felt like a real asshole.

Yet he hadn’t been this happy in a long time. He was filled with hope again. He had something to look forward to. In his fantasies he would see Even again, and they would talk, and then they would be forgiven and could be together again. Where Lydia and Emma fit in this picture, Isak didn’t know. He’d think of something when he got there.

He checked his phone every chance he got. When Emma was on her nap. When he was standing in line at the grocery store. When he was standing in front of the microwave, waiting for the ding and calling it making dinner. But every time he checked, it was for nothing. Even didn’t respond to his messages.

But he was real. He was here.

He was here.

That thought consumed Isak’s every waking hour. Even was here. Even was here and he wasn’t well, and he needed Isak. But. There was someone else who needed Isak, as well, and that was the only reason Isak wasn’t running up and down the streets and in and out of clubs searching for Even. There was Emma.

And no matter how shitty a husband Isak could possibly be, he would be a bad father over his dead body.

Just as he had poured all his love and longing for Even in his relationship with his daughter, he was now letting Emma fill his head and his days and his heart. Apart from the short bursts of longing piercing his whole being every time he checked his messages in vain, Isak lived and breathed through his child. Emma was his lifeline. She was his purpose. She was his everything, and that was terribly lot to burden on a child.

But Emma was strong. Isak knew she was. She was Lydia’s daughter, first of all, and Isak did his best to support her growth the best he could. Sure, planning an affair with another man was not exactly parenting 1-0-1, but he would make sure Emma wouldn’t be hurt by it.

So, when Isak was sitting in the waiting room for his std tests and he got a message from Even, the first thing he did was check Emma’s schedule. He couldn’t just drop everything and run, because that would have meant dropping her. Even wanted to see him during Emma’s swimming lesson.

Isak rushed out of the clinic to call Nasima. He fabricated a quick story about a surprise he was working on for Lydia, to help rekindle the old flame, and Nasima bought it. Or, at least, was willing to pretend she bought it, and that was good enough. She agreed to bring her eldest to watch her youngest and watch Emma herself, but only for the swimming lesson. Isak had about fifty minutes, minus travel time. That would have to do.

50 minutes.

Isak was running. He had left Emma with Nasima by the pool and rushed away, his heart beating so loud it was trying to burst through his chest. He was short of breath, and sorely aware of the fact he had been letting himself go. He should have caught a cab. But he couldn’t, he was too agitated, he needed to run his excess energy off because otherwise he would jump Even the second he saw him and they wouldn’t talk once again.

40 minutes.

There was no name on the door, only a number. 21. Isak was shaking. He was nauseous, his legs barely carried him. He was not feeling like having sex, not one bit, but he hadn’t yet laid his eyes on Even. He raised his shaking hand and knocked.

39 minutes.

Even opened the door.

34 minutes.

Isak pulled out of the kiss to draw a breath. He grabbed Even’s face with both hands and pushed him further away, to look at him. He felt Even’s cheeks were wet.

“Even, you’re crying.”

“I’m not”, Even growled, trying to push himself back into a kiss. To push himself tighter against Isak, who was on his back on the bed. Isak turned his face away.

“Stop. Please. Stop.”

For a second Isak wasn’t sure if Even would. He was under Even, Even was stronger than him, and taller, and had the upper hand. Isak wasn’t scared, but he was still thinking about it.

30 minutes.

Even placed a cup in front of Isak. Isak didn’t take it. He just wrapped his fingers around it and held on. For the first time since he entered this apartment Isak had time to look around him. It was. Well. Even’s apartment in Oslo had been a mess, but this was even worse. Only bare necessities. Nothing matched. This apartment was scavenged from bits and pieces other people had already tossed out.

Miss Kitty sat on the window sill. Her ear was chipped. Isak reached out his hand and took her. The chipped part felt familiarly rough against his thumb.

“How?” Isak asked. It meant a million things. How did Even end up here. How was Even doing. How long had he been here. How could he. How could they.

22 minutes.

Even stopped talking as abruptly he had started. Isak had sat there silently, letting Even pour it all over him. He listened while Even told him how he had gathered all the money he possibly could and spent it all in a plane ticket. He knew where Isak’s plane had headed, and he had bought a ticket to the same place, and he had been so out of his mind it had felt like a solid plan. It had felt filled with purpose and destiny. Even would fly here and find Isak and they would live together happily ever after.

Of course, Even didn’t find Isak. He was broke, in a foreign country, running out of meds fast. He had sold the rest he had on him to get some money, and when that had run out, he had sold whatever he could. He didn’t have to get to details on that subject. Isak knew what someone like Even would sell.

Isak tried to imagine it. Even, all alone and lost in this city, searching for him. The thought hurt too much, he had to stop thinking about it.

“Do you still love me?”

21 minutes.

“Yes.”

10 minutes.

Isak sat on the back seat of a cab, squeezing his phone with both hands. He stared at the numbers on the screen. He ran them in his head over and over again all the way to the pool, and when the car pulled over he erased it from the screen but not from his head. Even had given him his number. Isak realized this was the first time he had it.

One minute.

Isak got down on one knee and spread his arms open, smiling. Emma ran directly into his chest, squealing with delight. Isak embraced his daughter tightly, buried his face in her moist hair and swallowed the hard lump in his throat. It hit the bottom of his belly, cold and heavy.


	10. The John

Isak couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Even had flown here to find him. He had taken everything he had, turned it into cash and spent it all in one shot, that missed horribly. Two years off his meds sounded like something scary, and dangerous, and no matter how much Isak didn’t want to see it he knew, that Even wasn’t alright. He wasn’t himself. Sure, Isak was arrogant as fuck to assume he knew what Even being himself meant, like, at all, but still, it was obvious Even wasn’t well.

Even was also a prostitute. That sounded scary and dangerous, as well. He thought about Even standing by a statue, not holding a sign or anything but his whole body language telling that this thing here was  _ for sale _ at the right price, for anyone willing to buy and pay, and he felt sick to his stomach.

He had sent Even messages, but Even hadn’t responded. He had even called him once, during Emma’s nap, locked in the bathroom, and Even had picked up but said nothing, and after five minutes of pleading Isak understood Even had probably just placed his phone on the table and left the room.

It was obvious Even was still mad at him. And tried to keep Isak away, because when they were in the same room they were - at least Isak was, and he assumed the same applied to Even - filled with such overpowering longing and lust and need, that they couldn’t stop touching each other. But on the phone, when they weren’t close enough to touch, Even could control himself.

By controlling himself he was controlling Isak, too. Isak should have been grateful. But he wasn’t. He couldn’t. He needed Even more than anything. The strangling grip around his heart had been dulled by time, but now it was sharp again, squeezing so hard that Isak’s heart could barely beat under the pressure. Only when he was with Even that grip let go.

What hurt the most was not knowing what Even was doing. How he was doing. What was going on with him and his life. Isak had him, so close, practically beside him, and he didn’t know because Even didn’t let him. It was a shoddy excuse, but it was enough for Isak: he just wanted to make sure Even was okay. That he was safe. That was a noble cause, right?

Riding under that flag Isak chatted on Grindr with everyone who seemed safe. Everyone said no, until one guy finally agreed to go and pay for sex, and then report back to Isak. The fact that he agreed to do that should probably have been a red flag for Isak, but he was too far in his plan to consider aborting the mission. He needed to know.

So, he wired some stranger he had found on Grindr 300 euros to go and buy Even. Something should have felt more wrong, he thought, as he typed the numbers on the screen. This should have felt like --  _ something. _ It didn’t. Isak was numb, this was like paying a phone bill, a couple of clicks and the money from their savings account was gone. Isak would pay it back soon. He would pinch it from the grocery money Lydia gave him every month. More home cooking, less takeaway. Isak would have to learn to make some new dishes, but he could probably do that with Youtube.

Now it was too late to turn back. He couldn’t ask for his money back. Besides, he had to know. He had to know what Even let those men do to him, and he knew that if he asked Even wouldn’t tell.

Isak could only hope this Chris guy wouldn’t be so tight lipped.

And that he would report back soon.

 

> As agreed, here’s my report.   
>    
>  First things first: NICE !!!!!   
>    
>  Fuck he was hot. You were right, he was impossible to miss. I found him at Place Fontainas like you said. He seemed a bit high? Idk. Anyway, we agreed to visit the hotel nearby and I paid him half upfront, so like a hundred. He seemed pretty chill when I told him I’m into some freaky shit. I’m not, you know, not normally, but we had a deal and shit so I told him that.   
>    
>  I got like the boner of the year when he undressed. HOT HOT HOT seriously god damn ! I had a bag I borrowed from a friend with me and told him I want to put him in handcuffs and shit. No problemo. He got on the bed on his hands and knees, pushed his hot ass up in the air and let me chain his wrists to the bedpost.   
>    
>  ( ok that was hot af )   
>    
>  Man he was a FREAK !! No matter what I asked he said yea man sure go ahead, and let me tell you, that shit’s addictive. I tried to one-up myself over and over again, like try to find the limit, to make him say no, but my bag ran out of tricks before that happened. And I didn’t want to beat him or anything, I’m not into that shit at all, but man WHAT A POWER TRIP   
>    
>  Have you ever fucked a guy with your dick and a 12 inch dildo at the same fucking time? POWER TRIP   
>    
>  A couple of hours later I let him go, paid the other hundred, packed my bag and left. idk what he did after that, I have places to be and shit. Anyhow, thanks for the ride, if you want to do this again sometime hmu I’m totally game.

 

Isak missed the X a couple of times but managed to finally close the email. He sat in front of the computer, staring at the background picture of him, Lydia and Emma at Nasima’s summer party last year, without really seeing it. He was seeing Even, handcuffed on the bed, his back turned to the man he was servicing, and he was arrogant enough to think he could imagine how his eyes looked like right then.

He checked the time. Emma was asleep and Lydia said she’d be working late tonight. Isak had the whole night to himself, and it felt like such a fucking waste because he couldn’t leave home and go find Even.

“Whore”, Isak whispered to the quiet room. He was mad at Even! So fucking mad at him. How dare he be at the same time unattainable to Isak and available to anyone with some cash? How dare he ghost Isak like this?

“Fucking crazy bitch holier-than-thou whore”, he hissed through his teeth and pressed his hand on his crotch. He rubbed his hard dick through his clothes and pushed his hips a bit forward on his seat. “Bet you’d done it for half the money, fucking slut.”

Isak yanked his fly open and shoved his hand in his pants. He came in less than twenty angry strokes, and his orgasm was not a climax or a katharsis, it was a culmination of dickery. He was a fucking dick and Even was right to avoid him, but at the same time he  _ needed _ Even too much. Isak lowered his head, pushed his clean hand through his hair and grabbed it tight, just to grab on anything. He was fucking drowning.


	11. The Talk

Isak almost turned back like five times. He shouldn’t have left home in the first place, especially on this schedule. He had a couple of hours child free time, and he had originally planned to spend it by cleaning up the fridge - something you’d rather not do with a curious toddler who loves to taste everything she gets her hands on - but it would have to wait until next week. Isak stopped in front of the building and looked up, at the windows. He didn’t see anyone.

Isak almost turned back the sixth time immediately after ringing the doorbell. His skin was tingling just like on the first time he had stood behind this door. He listened to the steps behind it. He waited. Maybe he had changed his mind and wouldn’t let Isak in after all?

No such luck.

“Get in.”

Isak didn’t look at Magnus when he stepped inside. He was not proud. But he was desperate. He needed to save Even, and he couldn’t do it alone. And, to be honest, a part of him was looking forward to letting Magnus rip him a new one for what he did. Punishment was liberating.

Magnus placed a mug of coffee on the table in front of Isak.

“Start talking. You said it was a matter of life and death?”

Isak wrapped his fingers around the mug. He needed something to hold on to.

“I need your help. He needs your help.”

“Specifics, please.” Even when this pissed off, Magnus was still polite. He was a saint, really, for even letting Isak come here. But it was probably best not to test the man’s patience further.

“Read this.” Isak took the paper from his pocket and handed it over to Magnus. He had printed out the email, about that guy and Even. Magnus took it, unfolded it and read. Anger and confusion altered on his face all the way to the end.

“May I ask what the fuck this is?”

“I paid him to go and uh.” Isak tried to find a proper word for it, something that wasn’t tainted or degrading. He failed. “Purchase Even’s time and services.”

Magnus shoved the paper further away from him on the table.

“What the fuck?!”

Isak nodded slowly. He didn’t know how to rephrase it in any way, so he simply waited. He waited for Magnus to compose himself and wrap his brain around this concept.

“Are you telling me that you paid for someone to have sex with Even and then report it back to you in detail?”

“Not  _ in detail _ really, as you can see from the report, too.”

Magnus stared at Isak. He looked both disgusted and confused, baffled by Isak.

“Some day a scientist will get a fucking Nobel prize for dissecting your brain and figuring out how it works. In  _ what universe _ did this stunt seem like a good idea?”

“I had to try something! I needed to know how bad Even has it. How bad things are.”

“Why the fuck didn’t you ask him?”

“He wouldn’t text me back!”

Magnus stared at him again. The hand holding his coffee mug was twitching. Isak bit his teeth together, bracing himself for getting the coffee thrown at him. It wasn’t scalding anymore, but unpleasantly hot, yes.

“Tell me one good reason to not call the cops on your stalking ass.”

“He’s not well. He hasn’t been well for two years, I think?” Worry squeezed on Isak’s heart again. That grip had forced him to come here now, and it had made him recruit the guy who had fucked Even for Isak’s money. “He’s bipolar, and off his meds and his doctor is back in Oslo.”

Magnus’ forehead slammed against the table. He groaned, loud.

“For fuck’s sake! WHY AM I NOW KNOWING THIS ABOUT HIM?”

Isak squirmed on his seat. He didn’t understand what was going on. Or why Magnus wasn’t focusing on the real issue here, the pressing issue, of the unmedicated Even selling his body on the streets of Brussels.

“What?”

“You are the biggest fucking asshole I have ever met in my life.” Magnus didn’t raise his head. His voice had a weird echo from speaking so close to the table. “You stalk people. You harass people. You toy with them, manipulate them, harass them a bit more and  _ then _ top it off by outing them. How the fuck do you justify this behaviour to yourself?”

Isak bit his lip. He tried to come up with something, anything, that could help Magnus understand. He didn’t know Even, obviously, if he didn’t know about Even’s illness he didn’t know anything important, and he didn’t understand the severity of the situation. His Even, his love, was out there, letting strangers stuff them with 12 inch dildos and their dicks. At the same time. Maybe that would make Magnus see.

“You read what he’s doing. How he’s doing. We have to help him.”

Finally Magnus raised his head. He glared at Isak.

“For all we know he had the time of his life with that guy. And it’s damn sure we have no business in knowing about what happened there. I have no business knowing about him being bipolar, either.”

Ha. There it was. A hint of worry, right at the end of the declaration. Magnus knew Even was in trouble. Isak reached over the table to touch his arm.

“Please. He’s not well. If he lets any stranger chain him up like that -- it’s dangerous. It’s so, so dangerous.” Isak was so fucking worried about him. He wanted to just run to him and snatch him with him and bring him home and keep him there, safe, forever. But he couldn’t. He had other people to take care of, too, he needed Even to take care of himself. Which he was obviously not doing right now.

Magnus lowered his face on the table again. His shoulder blades heaved up and down with a huge, deep sigh.

“I need you to understand that this is invasive as fuck. That what you’re about to do, what you want to happen, is just as bad as beating him up with a stick, and it will hurt as much, and it will take as long to heal.”

“He will understand. When we get him healthy again, he will get it.”

Isak jumped when Magnus slammed his hand on the table.

“No! Fuck, no! Hell to the fucking no!  _ YOU _ are not doing anything! If me or Even hear so much as a peep from you I will find out where you live and come have a chat with your wife, ca-fucking-piche?”

No. Magnus didn’t understand. He hated Isak to begin with and he was unreasonable, and asked for too much, and dismissed Isak completely. He didn’t understand.

“I have to come too. I know him! I know his illness!”

“Well, so do I.” Magnus was speaking softer again, more quiet. “I have someone in my life who’s also bipolar. I’ve got this. I’ve got him. You go back to your family.”

It took a moment to really sink in. Magnus meant what he said. He was telling Isak to not take part in this whatsoever, he was telling Isak to stay out of Even’s life.

The worst part was that he was right.

Isak knew it, he just didn’t want to admit it. He was every bit as shitty as Magnus said he was. He was the reason Even was in his current situation in the first place. He had forced his way into Even’s life and his heart, and then he had just. Left.

He had left.

Because he was selfish, and a coward, and because he loved his unborn daughter more than he loved Even, and second best wouldn’t be enough for Even because he needed it all. He deserved it all. Isak had taken that away from him, hadn’t he? Pulled him in this hell for two fucking years, keeping him from having a family of his own, from having anything.

“Please. Tell him that --”

“I’m not your fucking messenger. It’s clear he doesn’t want to hear from you.”

“No. I mean yes. I mean -- you’re right. I’m never contacting him again. Or stalking him. You’re a good guy, I know I can trust you to make sure he’ll be okay.”

“I can’t promise that he will be. But I won’t stop trying until that happens.”

Isak nodded. He stood up. He had to get out of here while he could still walk.

“Thank you. And. I’m sorry.”

“You damn well should be.”

Isak nodded again, closing his eyes. Fuck.

“Have you seen Brokeback Mountain?”

“Of course I have.” Magnus sounded like his patience was wearing thin again. “Why are you still here?”

“Even showed it to me. He made me watch it because I didn’t understand, and when it was over I thought I got it, but. I didn’t. I missed an important bit.”

Magnus sighed.

“Fine. What bit?”

“Jack died. What they had, their love, it. It killed him.”

Magnus was quiet. Isak couldn’t know if he understood or not, and he wasn’t going to stick around to ask. He hurried to pull his shoes on.

“I’m sorry. If he asks, I love him and I’m sorry.”

Isak escaped before Magnus could have the opportunity to tell him to go fuck himself. When he stepped out on the street the whole city, his home for two years, felt unknown. He looked left, then right, then just picked a direction and started running.


	12. The Carnival

It was a beautiful day, and for once Lydia wasn’t working at all on a Saturday. Usually there was always something, just one email, or a presentation that needed to be filed to perfection, one phone call that stretched on and on. But today Lydia was all theirs, and both Emma and Isak were over the moon.

Isak pushed the stroller while Lydia held Emma’s hand, walking with her in the park. There was some traveling carnival visiting, with a couple of rides and a little ferris wheel, some game booths, cotton candy and the works. It was a lovely day and there was a big crowd, but it was nice to just do something with the whole family. Isak had packed Emma’s snacks in the cooler bag with some water bottles, and shoved a blanket under the stroller as well. The could buy some hot dogs or something and have a little picnic later.

“Do you think Emma needs more sunscreen?” Isak asked Lydia. She shrugged.

“Maybe? I genuinely have no idea. We just put on some when we left home, and she hasn’t been swimming or anything, though.”

“I suppose. I just don’t want to risk it.”

“I think a bit of sun is less harmful than a load of chemicals.”

Isak bit his tongue. He didn’t want to argue today. He had been absent minded and snappy for a couple of weeks now, and they had been borderline fighting almost every night. So he didn’t mention that he had made sure Emma’s sunscreen was the safest possible, and that he would be the one soothing her if she got sunburned. He simply nodded and stopped to dig the sunscreen out of the bag.

“Just a dab on her shoulders, just to be safe. Okay?”

Lydia was okay with it, and Isak spread the cream on Emma’s squirming shoulders before releasing her to walk with her mom again. He packed the bottle before following them, and as he watched his girls from behind his heart was filled with aching tenderness. He really loved his family. He had no right to, but he did.

It was a lovely day. Isak learned he was absolutely rubbish at knocking over tin cans with balls, and even worse at saying no to either of his girls. So he tried every possible game and sucked at every single one of them. Lydia laughed so hard at Isak’s score on the high striker that she almost wet herself. Isak insisted that she try it herself, then, but had to admit he was relieved when she refused. If she had scored higher, Isak’s ego would have taken a nasty hit.

Isak stood in the line to get them some ice cream. Lydia had taken Emma to the bathroom, and they had agreed to meet under the large tree nearby. Isak checked his phone routinely and found nothing of interest there. The line was long, but the guy in the kiosk was quick. His hands moved fast and efficiently, and Isak couldn’t help but notice they were nice hands. Nice and big. Isak watched those fingers wrap around a sugar cone and found himself imagining how they looked like wrapped around a dick.

That’s when he realized it.

He knew exactly how they looked, wrapped around a dick. His dick.

Isak leaned down a bit to see the guy’s face. Shit. Shit, shit, shit. It was Even. The sounds of the carnival were muted down, all the hassle around Isak disappeared, and his whole attention, his whole being, was fixed on Even. He should have turned around. He should have told Lydia he saw the ice cream guy pick his nose and go get some cotton candy instead. But he couldn’t. He had to see Even.

Even didn’t notice him yet. He was focused on his work, on serving his customers, cracking them little jokes and flashing them his radiant smiles. Isak was too weak to walk away. He was too weak to even look away. Cone after cone of ice cream left the kiosk, and the line got shorter and shorter. Isak got closer and closer to the man of his life. Lydia was the woman of his life, and Emma the love of his life, but Even -- Even.

There were three people in front of Isak when Even saw him. Isak saw that he recognised him, he saw the briefest pause. When his hands stopped moving, when his smile wavered, when his heart stopped beating. Isak knew that was happening because it was happening to him as well. Their eyes met, they locked, and didn’t let go.

They kept looking each other in the eye. Even received the orders, made them and cashed them, all the while looking at Isak. Isak tried his best. He really tried to speak to Even with his eyes, and he tried to understand what Even was saying with his, but all he could see was the endless blue. All he could hear was his heart thudding in his ears. He had given Even up. He had let Even go. Why was this happening now?

Finally it was Isak’s turn. He stepped to the hatch and swallowed. He didn’t know what to say. He had nothing to say. He just stood there, until the guy behind him cleared his throat, obviously annoyed.

“Sir? May I have your order?”

Hearing Even speak made Isak’s chest ache. He wanted to just rush into the kiosk, to slam the hatch shut and just drown into Even, to never ever come out again. And he knew it was impossible. His family was waiting for him under the big tree. All these people needed to get their ice cream.

“Sir?”

“A small scoop of vanilla in a bowl and two cones with one scoop of chocolate each.”

“Coming right up, sir.”

Isak kept looking into Even’s eyes. He couldn’t look away. Even didn’t look away either, but he had obviously been doing this job long enough to not have to actually pay attention to it. He rolled the ice cream into perfect balls, pressed them on the cones and in the bowl, all the while letting the bridge between him and Isak grow. The pull. Their souls had been entwined together and every second Isak looked into Even’s eyes forged that bond stronger.

Even said something. A part of Isak handed out his credit card, tapped it at the reader and put the card back in his wallet, the wallet in his pocket. As a father of a toddler he knew quite a bit of operating on autopilot, as well. It wasn’t only Even’s talent. Even handed the ice creams over to Isak.

Their fingers touched. It happened like in slow motion. Skin met skin, the desert received the first drops of rain, the touch lingered and the moment stretched to minutes, hours, neither of them pulled their hand back.

Until they did. The moment ended, Isak had to step away, his family was waiting and. He had let go. He had to let go. He didn’t say anything to Even, barely muttered a ‘thank you’, took the ice creams and turned away. He walked to his family. Lydia and Emma were waiting for him. Lydia held their daughter on her arms and they were laughing at something together, and Isak saw how much Emma looked like her mother.

As Isak handed Emma her ice cream he noticed it was decorated with rainbow sprinkles. They made her shriek with joy. Isak strapped her in the stroller to eat, and when Lydia gave him a chocolate ice cream flavoured kiss he kissed her back.

“I love you, you know it? You’re my special girls.”

“And you’re our special boy.” Lydia wiped a smear of ice cream from the corner of Isak’s lips. “I’m sorry for being so buried in work lately.”

“It’s okay. You keep us fed and a roof over our head. And you’re here now, so how about we finish the ice cream and then you take our baby girl to the merry-go-round? I want to take a million pictures of you two on it.”

Lydia smiled. She was absolutely beautiful.


	13. The Picture

Isak Valtersen just couldn’t get a break. He knew he had been a proper asshole to more than one of his lovers, and he knew he had put his family in jeopardy. He had put Even in harm’s way just to satisfy his own -- he didn’t even know what to call it. Curiousity? Obsession? Desire to own? All of the above, and loads more.

It was probably just guilt. He was eaten alive by guilt, for the two years Even had wasted because of him. For the false hope he had given Even. He would never choose Even. He could never choose Even. He would always, forever, choose Emma, and he should have thought of that before, like Even had put it, he had made her on purpose. Before he had created this whole mess. But he hadn’t thought of anything. He had hurt everyone he loved, whether they knew about it or not. It was fair that he was struggling. His every breath should have been painful, not just every other.

Still. Guilt or not, Isak had harder and harder time trying to deny it that it seemed that destiny was trying to push him towards Even. It had shown Even on Grindr, via Magnus. It had made Even happen to work at the very same ice cream kiosk Isak visited. And ever since, the hints just kept on dropping.

Isak would be in a café and hear music on the radio in the background, and he would recognise it as the theme of Brokeback Mountain, and he would rush out of the line. Or he would walk down the street and see a poster for a missing cat, that looked just like Miss Kitty had looked like before her accident. A week later, he would see that someone had tore up the poster so the cat had a chip on her ear.

The universe was trying to tell him something. He did his best to ignore it. He had to. Even had to be set free. Even had Magnus to take care of him. He didn’t need Isak. He was better off without Isak in his life.

No matter how it hurt. Isak had deserved all his pain. He had managed to escape it earlier, drowning himself into Emma, but that wasn’t working anymore. It was time to pay what was due.

Isak kept repeating that to himself every time he faced yet another cosmic sign. A whiff of Even’s aftershave in the air, like he had just passed there. A piece of paper crushed into a ball in a trash can, with a part of a drawing visible, in similar style to Even’s work Isak had seen in his notebook. A half eaten box of shrimp noodles left on a bench at the park. The harder Isak tried to forget Even, the more reminders of him he kept seeing around him.

Even was everywhere. He was everything. He was sprinkled into Isak’s days and he forced his way into Isak’s nights, in his restless dreams. One day Isak was out at the market to buy some fresh vegetables, when he had this odd feeling someone was watching him. He turned to look, and saw nobody, just people minding their business and running their errands -- and a tall man, walking away in long, brisk steps. Isak stared at him, and he realized he had no idea how Even looked like when he was walking away. Every time, every single time they had parted ways it had been Isak, walking away from Even.

When Isak started seeing flashes of Even at the corner of his eye he was certain he was turning insane. His obsession had obviously got the better of him. First he’d seen all these cosmic signs, and now the man himself. He would catch a familiar movement at the edge of his vision. He’d hear an echo of a laugh. But every time he turned to look, he didn’t see Even. He didn’t see anyone.

Then, one Tuesday, when the heatwave had struck the entire city, Isak came home from taking Emma to Claudia’s house for a pool party. His brain was half melted by the heat. He had walked for only about twenty minutes and he was covered in sweat, his shirt clinging to his back, and he fantasized about a tall, cold glass full of iced tea. He pushed the key in the lock and turned, but it didn’t go all the way inside. Isak frowned and jiggled the key a bit. It went all the way in, the lock clicked, he got in.

There was something on the floor. Isak bent over and picked it up, and suddenly he wasn’t feeling hot anymore. He shivered in cold. It was a picture. Hand drawn. It was him. From behind, sitting on a bench in the park, probably keeping an eye on Emma while she was playing.

Isak smelled a trace of Even’s aftershave.

He rushed further into the apartment. He checked every room, but Even wasn’t there. But he had been. Isak found more pictures of himself. At the coffee shop. At the market. In Nasima’s car. When he discovered the car picture he realized he had been an idiot for first imagining Even sitting somewhere close to him with his notepad, drawing away. He had taken pictures. Or had someone take them for him. Magnus? No. Magnus would never agree to that, he seemed like an honest, level-headed guy.

Isak sat down by the kitchen table and spread the pictures in front of him. He had found one in every room but Emma’s. He was so, so happy there hadn’t been one in Emma’s room, because that would have felt like something was a threat to his daughter and that Isak would not have been able to let slide. Breaking and entering? Perhaps. Stalking? He wasn’t any better himself. But Emma was sacred. She was untouchable.

This was insane.  _ He _ was insane.

Miss Kitty was back. She was sitting on the window frame. Even had wanted to make sure Isak knew it had been him. Like Isak would have dozens of secret lovers. He couldn’t handle one, let alone more. Isak held the figurine in his hand and stroked on the chip on her ear with his thumb. He remembered the poster, and was briefly relieved that anybody’s cat wasn’t missing.

Even had been here.

Even had been  _ here. _ Without Isak being home. Without Emma and Lydia home, thank god. They could have been. Lydia could have come home to pick up something she had forgotten, and found these pictures - or, god forbid, found Even - and that would have been really, really hard to explain away. Even had put everything at risk. He had endangered Isak’s facade. His walls. His home. His family.

Isak crushed the picture of himself in Nasima’s car in his fist. It had been taken yesterday. Isak could still smell Even’s presence here, he had been away for less than an hour. Had Even picked the lock himself, or did someone else do it for him? Had he taken something?

Isak hated himself for doing it, but he had to check. He searched every stash they had, of heirloom jewelry, of emergency cash, the documents of Emma’s stock bonds she had got on her first birthday. Everything was where it was supposed to be. Even hadn’t taken anything, at least not anything valuable. If he had stolen a piece of Isak’s underwear or something like that, Isak wouldn’t have been able to tell.

Isak returned in the kitchen. He gathered the pictures in a pile and folded them carefully. He couldn’t keep them. Lydia could find them. Or worse, Emma could find them. But he couldn’t bare the thought of throwing them in the trash, either. Or burning them. He should have burned them. Instead he searched for an envelope and stuffed the pictures inside.

He wrote Even’s name and address on it.


	14. The Letter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The crossed over lines are in the end notes, uncrossed.

~~ My love ~~

~~ Jack ~~

~~ You horrible, wonderful man ~~

~~ Even ~~

~~ I am writing this letter because ~~

~~ I got your messages ~~

~~ Even ~~

~~ I love you, but ~~

~~ Even I can’t live with a But ~~

~~ Ever since I left ~~

~~ My dear Even ~~

~~ Even ~~

~~ Even ~~

~~ Even ~~

~~ I am just writing your name over and over again ~~

~~ Even ~~

~~ I’m striking over your name over and over again ~~

~~ Even I want to start again ~~

~~ I love my family ~~

~~ This is wrong of me but ~~

~~ How long have you been following me? ~~

~~ Even ~~

~~ Dear Even ~~

~~ Goodbye, Even ~~

~~ Even ~~

~~ I’m striking you over ~~

~~ I’m sorry ~~

~~ I will always strike you over ~~

~~ Please don’t invade my home ever again ~~

_ I will call the police next time. _

Isak slipped the note in the envelope. He taped it shut. He pressed it flat on the kitchen table, stroking it with his fingers. The ink smudged a bit at the tail of the m in the end of Even’s name. It didn’t matter, the letters were barely legible to begin with. His hand had been shaking so much when it had written Even’s name. Hopefully for the last time.

This had to be done. Isak had to set Even free. He had to set himself free. Even had crossed a line, and Isak knew so much about crossing lines it wasn’t even funny, but this had to stop before it was too late.

He had to stop.

Isak kept stroking at the envelope just under Even’s name. Then over it. Striking over him. He was a mistake, he had always been a mistake. From the very first message to this very last. Even would not contact him ever again after this, not after Isak threatening him with the police. He would be too offended and hurt to.

This was for the best.

Isak just wished it wasn’t this fucking hot. His brain was melting, and his heart was bleeding, and they were mixing into a mush that stuck on his skin like boiling tar.

He’d better get these out of the house before he had to go pick up Emma. Isak took the envelope, grabbed cold Gatorade from the fridge with him and stepped outside. The heat struck immediately and without mercy. The sun’s rays stung his eyes and made them water. At least that was his story, and he would stick to it until death.

“Shit!”

Isak turned around and rushed back inside. He took the notes with words written on them and then crossed over. He couldn’t keep  _ them _ in the house! This fucking heat made him stupid! Isak shoved them in the pockets of his shorts and tried again.

This time he made it to the trash can. He pushed his hand in his pocket and rolled the pieces of paper around for a bit. This was too close to home. Some seagull or rat or a pesky squirrel could dig through the trash and spread the notes in front of their building, and Lydia would recognise his handwriting. Isak looked down the street and saw another trash can further away. He opened his Gatorade, took a cooling sip, and started walking. He was going to have to walk to the mail box anyway.

When Isak reached the trash can he took out one note, crumbled it into a ball in his hand and dropped it in the black mouth of the bin. He had done some thinking while he was walking here, and decided that it was best if he left each note into a different trash can. That way it would be safest. If Lydia saw one piece of paper on the street she would just walk past it, but a pile of them? She might get curious.

It was very unlikely that an animal would invade all of these trash cans, gather Isak’s notes with it and carry them in a pile on Lydia’s path. This plan was as solid as Isak could come up with in this heat and heartache. He walked to the next trash can and looked around, then when he spotted the next one he took his heading toward it. Note by note he was shedding away his farewell to Even.

When Isak stopped to drop the last note from his pocket he poured the last drops of his drink in his mouth. It was so fucking hot. He was sweating and dusty and miserable, and when he realized he was still holding the envelope he wasn’t at all pleased. He raised his head to look around, to locate himself, he had been just walking from a trash can to another  and not paid any attention to where he was going.

Fuck.

He knew this street.

Isak forced the hard lump in his throat down. He looked up at the building next door to the one he was standing in front of. The empty bottle in his hand was so fucking relatable right now.

It was hot.

He could ask for a drink. Just some water. He could save the postage and for fuck’s sake he hadn’t put a stamp on the envelope, now had he? Isak checked. Nope. Just the name, and the address of the building right next to this one.

Isak didn’t believe in destiny. He believed in cause and consequence.

He wasn’t at all sure which he was holding in his hand right now.

There was a trash can by the door of Even’s house. Isak flipped the envelope over and peeled the tape out. It let go easily, the heat had melted the glue. Isak took the last note out of the envelope and crumbled it into a tight, damp ball in his sweaty palm.

Even answered the door wearing nothing but tiniest shorts Isak had ever seen in his life. The heat rushed from the apartment and over Isak. It was almost cool in the dark stairwell but Even’s apartment was apparently near boiling point. Isak stared at the man, at his sweaty skin, at his messy hair, and his eyes that were so fucking blue.

“Water”, Isak managed to say. “Please?”

Even stepped aside. He was giving Isak room to step in his apartment. He was practically naked. He was the only cause and consequence that had any meaning in Isak’s fucked up brain and battered heart.

Isak was so thirsty.

He had been so pissed at Even for breaking into his home. For following him around. For putting everything at risk. But now that he saw Even his anger was a mere shadow of a memory long gone. It was overpowered by stronger memories. Isak stepped closer to Even, his legs shaking, his head dizzy and light. Must have been the heat.

Closer.

Closer.

Isak leaned over Even’s shoulder and turned his face. The very tip of his nose touched the side of Even’s neck. Barely. Even smelled so good. Isak grabbed Even’s shoulder with his free hand, his other hand crushing the envelope.

“I can’t keep these”, Isak said, holding up his hand. “Lydia will find them. She will ask.”

Even didn’t say anything. Isak wanted to shake him. He wanted to make him say something. Anything. He pressed the ruined envelope against Even’s chest. It clinged to his sweaty skin. Even ignored it, but not Isak. Isak could feel it, everything about Even was focused on him.

“I quit you”, he whispered, his voice cracking. “I’m so sorry.”

Even turned his head and kissed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My love  
> Jack  
> You horrible, wonderful man  
> Even  
> I am writing this letter because  
> I got your messages  
> Even  
> I love you, but  
> Even I can’t live with a But  
> Ever since I left  
> My dear Even  
> Even  
> Even  
> Even  
> I am just writing your name over and over again  
> Even  
> I’m striking over your name over and over again  
> Even I want to start again  
> I love my family  
> This is wrong of me but  
> How long have you been following me?  
> Even  
> Dear Even  
> Goodbye, Even  
> Even  
> I’m striking you over  
> I’m sorry  
> I will always strike you over  
> Please don’t invade my home ever again


End file.
